talladega nights

talladega nights: F


To call this commercial a movie is like calling McDonald's fine dining. There was more product placement than there was jokes or even themes that held any meaning whatsoever. Furthermore, it was not funny. Really. Even when Will Ferrel ran around in his underwear, trying to invoke a fraction of the comedy from Old School, it was so UN-funny that I cursed mankind as a whole while sitting dumb-founded by Ferrel's pretentious rehashing of facial expressions and countless redneck jokes that were so lame I feel like they were rejects from a Jeff Foxworthy stand-up set. The only reason you should bother to glance at this trash is to see Borat act like a goofy french dude.

-Josh C

Hunting Humans

Hunting Humans: A+


i do this SOLELY out of irony for the ending of the movie. You think you know what's goin' on, and you know there's a twist. but you didn't know that there was going to be TWO twists....HA! gotcha! oh,.....really? two twists didn't get ya? well what about THIS!!!?!??!?..............hmmmm,...oh wait a sec, i got one more ...hold on just a minute,...how you like me NOW:twist:!?? there were like 10 twists at the end, what the fish. it was basically the equivalent of shitting steel reserve and the taco bell the morning after.........




while you're in the shower....






i'm done
i'm just,.......fuck,.......i'm just mad now.

-MilkmanDan

apocalypto

apocalypto: B+

I usually stray away from movies with strictly subtitles, but this one was an exception. Basically shows how savages are people too, and how Mel Gibson thinks how retarded the Mayans were. Wasn't really what I expected, was basically a really good action movie with very well done special effects and prosthetics. I also saw homages to "Home Alone" in this one. Coincidence? I think not.

-JBfoyoazz

Hackers

Hackers - B+

I love this movie. Besides the fact that, in reality, hacking/hackers is/are nothing like they are portrayed in the movie... it's an awesome movie. Jolie's boobs, Mathew Lillard back when he was still funny, Tin Tin from the crow, the gay mexican kid from Con Air... and wacky computer wackyness. What more could you need?

-Anton Voorhees

Fear Of Clowns

Fear Of Clowns F-

This movie is the latest gem from horror movie loser Richrad Ganz. The story revolves around a struggling artist who paints clowns for a living. Amidst the struggle of daily life is the spectre of her lecherous ex husband who is trying to take her child and the fact that she must paint a picture of an ex child molester clown. All of this adds up to nothing in the end. Basically the plot is too convoluted even for the director to keep up with as the story does not reach a satifying conclusion and far too many loose ends are left untied at the end. The killers motive is still unclerar to and even if a satisfying explanation was given it still would have been stupid. Couple that with piss poor acting absolutely abysmal kills and a complete lack of interesting characters and you have yourselves a typical bottom of the barrel horror masterpiece.

-Cook

Attack Force

Attack Force D-
The latest Steven Seagall schlock stars him as Marshall lawson an aging strike force team leader who loses his team in a random attack only to later discover that the attack was no accident but a planned assault by a covert military operation known as CTX. He attempts to investigate only to be in turn hunted by the military. This of course leads to poor fight sequences unrealistic action and of course Steven Seagall's fake hair.

Seagall is now so old that not only does he not fight he now has stunt doubles kick down doors. Also everytime he hits someone sound effects are not enough and are now accompanied by flashes of light. Seagall himself looks old and feeble and he sports his customary wig and black trenchcoat. Overall I would not reccomend this movie as it is slow and boring typical of Seagall post Glimmer Man



-Cook

Green Street Hooligans

Green Street Hooligans: B


This movie illustrates a culture gap that no one really takes the time to give a shit about in real life. Elijah Wood plays an American Harvard dropout who becomes immersed in an English street gang who bases their violent and territorial exploits on, what else: soccer. Random acts of British fanaticism act as a backdrop for the movie and its really funny cuz nearly every street thug looks like a preppy Abercrombie-square who would get his ass beat in any American inner city hood.

-Josh C

Tommy Boy

Tommy Boy: A-

I forgot how funny this movie was until I watched it today for the first time in about a decade. Tommy Calahan must drive across middle America slangin break-pads with uptite Spade or else his father's family buisness will be absorbed by capitalist automobile-lords. Spade is prime right here; I'm sorry, but the guy can't carry his own anything, movie, show, whatever. This was one of the greatest onscreen duos of the 90's! Man think about all the great Chris Farley movies we would have today if they never invented heroin... or hotdogs...
"Yeah I buy break pads off that guy. I thought we were watching cartoons!?"

-Josh C

slither

slither - B+

solid splat-stick movie.
Michael Rooker is tight in this movie... as he is in all movies. He's only acting in it for 20 min and then he's a slimey muppet for the rest of the movie... but it's the Rook. Anyway, it ranks up there with Shawn of the Dead as far as new school Splat Stick. Great gore, funny dialouge, brief nudity (you have to pause it to see it... which we did), and a decent story. All and all, something for everyone... who likes gore, funny dialouge, brief nudity, and a decent story.

-Anton Voorhees

Grizzlyman

Grizzlyman: D



Mostly hairless mammal Timothy Treadwell after a failed career as an actor decides to reinvent himself as a more sensitive form of Steve Irwin and befriend the planet's most ferocious mammals. Up close shots of bears fighting, shitting, and nearly attacking the protagonist provide highlights, while anytime the protagonist is on screen makes you wish you were the bear that mauled him. The best explanation for his long survival among grizzly bears comes from the ranger guy who says the bears probably thought he was retarded.

-Big Red

Feast

Feast A

The movie is about a bar full of rednecks and out of towners in the middle of nowhere who must survicve and fight against a family of gruesome monsters hell bent on eating them. The acting in the movie is solid and a competent cast of cahracters is led by B movie favorites Henry Rollins and Jason Mewes. Overall this film had it all from comic satirism of the horror genre to great gore to funny and interesting caharcters. The only downfall is that it had no boobs despite ample opportunities to show them. All in all a must see for any serious horror fan

-Cook

Imposter

Imposter: C

Gary Sinise is a cyborg posing as a prestigous weapons mogul in an attempt to asassinate the supreme chancelor of Earth's future military... or is he? No, he is! Or is he?... Sinise's acting carries the movie while the viewer tries to decide if he is a real person or a cyborg with memory implants. But he is a robot. Or is he?... Complete with Mikali Phifer doing kung-fu and Gary Sinse crying about 20 times.


























or is he?


-Josh C

carnage for the destroyer

carnage for the destroyer: A-

55mins of pure comic genius, awesome characters, horrible story, horrible gore effects, more pop culture references than family guy, more profanity than kevin smith, the dude sings a manowar song to defeat the monster at the end for christ sake!. This is the best LOW LOW budget horror movie i have ever seen. If Bloody Massacre were ever made, i would wish that it could be as good as carnage for the destroyer. Someone give Chris Seaver a budget, this guy is fuckin ridiculous

-MilkmanDan

1984

1984: F

This weak, overly British adaptation of George Orwell's novel was a colorless pile of dung. It was cheap, brief, quiet, and omitted hella important shit from Orwell's original story for the film version. Key concepts were overlooked and the alterations to the end of the story must have Orwell doing cartwheels in his grave. I wonder if the limeys who made the film thought to employ anyone with some literary background on their staff since this version of the classic totalitarian dystopia abandoned some of the genius Orwell offered with his book. Yes you are reading this right, 2001 Maniacs was better than 1984...

-Josh C

2001 Maniacs

2001 Maniacs: C+

This movie was pretty cool for an indie horror flick since movies of that genre often seem to suck because of under-funding, corner cutting, lack of titty, or recycled concepts/kills. Robert England is the demented cycloptic mayor of a ghost town of 2001 confederate maniacs determined to satisfy a not-so-ancient bloodlust by first seducing and then slaughtering teenage city slickers.


-Josh C

spike and mike twisted animation festival 2006

spike and mike twisted animation festival 2006: B+

hella funny. get stoned as hell and see it out here in the city for 9 bucks. get off at the 16th street mission bart stop and the theature is right there. all new shit but some old shit. my spoon is too big. hella funny cartoons by craig mccracken (powerpuff girls). that guy is on fuckin drugs.

-Josh C

war of the worlds

war of the worlds: F

look at his face. what the fuck is funny about this shit?
worst thing ive seen in a while, from ANY perspective i judge it. the only reason it doesn't get a UV is cuz of a COUPLE of dope ass camera angles that I never seen before. wells is rolling in his grave and when tom cruise goes to hell for being a loser scientologist, hg wells will molest him. fanning was an annoying sloot, her worst film.
grest american propaganda, best line, "daddy! is it the terrorists?!!" this shit will go down in history as the ignorant equivilant to when bugs bunny stars in the looney tunes episode titled "bugs baps the japs."

-Josh C

Wolves of Wall Street

Wolves of Wall Street: F-

so instead of goin ta quick stop for a quick fix of heineken, i decided to sit on my couch and watch this piece of shit. Starring Eric Roberts as the head of Wolfe Brothers Stock Broking Agency, this might outrank brokeback in gayety.

-MilkmanDan

Bukowski: Born Into This

Bukowski: Born Into This :B-

pretty straight forward documentary, some readings of his shit, sean penn, tom waits, Bono,....i still haven't checked out the special features though so maybe some cooler shit there... He was a fuckin' prick... one of the biggest fucking dickheads i've ever seen, alcoholic chain smoking POS. Ugly fucker too. But he was passionate, real, and a fucking true ass mother fucker. Fuckin' Aye!

-MilkmanDan

Bill Hicks: Sane Man

Bill Hicks: Sane Man DVD : A
>
I've had this on VHS for quite some time now, but the DVD has a new extended version of him doin' little bits inbetween his normal bits, that aren't hillarious, but cool to see. There's also a few special features that has him doin a bit in an elvis outfit, outtakes, and a whole other performance that's not of the highest quality, but funny nonetheless. Definately a must own for goat children.

-MilkmanDan

Death Tunnel

Death Tunnel: F-

One of the worst movies i've ever seen, it should of got a UV because we did take it out with 30 min left and throw it against the wall. but there were sooooo many hot chicks in it. Really hot. little nudity, but it's always the suspence of which hot chick is gonna get nekkid that always keeps me watching.

-MilkmanDan

Naked lunch

Naked lunch: B

twisted ass movie based on william burrough's drug addictions and writing. directed by my nigga cronenberg. fucked up shit man. FUCKED UP. but i guess homosexual tendencies narrated by a telepathic junkie addicted to pesticides who kills his wife reinacting william tell while holding conferences with man-sized sexual cockroaches involving international conspiracies isn't that crazy now that i think about it.

-Josh C

Hammerhead

Hammerhead: C+


william forsythe with 3 hot chicks and bobby the brain heenan vs. the reanimator.

-MilkmanDan

Chapelle's Block Party

Chapelle's Block Party: D

There were like 3 funny parts in the movie, otherwise it was extremely un-funny interviews with morons or artists that no one really listens to, but everyone says they listen to; extremely blurry, shaky concert footage made me have epileptic seizures. Directed by psychotic Michel Gondry from Gondor. Dead Prez performance and yo mama jokes=things that saved the movie.

-Josh C

The Aviator

The Aviator: A

Scorsase is a good director. This movie is long as fuck though, that's why I always avoided watchin it. But it is a genuine flick, entertaining at all times. Leo is sooo dreamy.

-Josh C

Infection

Infection: B-

jap horror about a hospital that can't take anymore patients cuz they're out of drugs, some shit goes down and they accidentally kill a fully bandaged patient by injecting him with the wrong shit. They decided to just say he died of natural causes cuz if someone found out that they made this mistake, their funding would go straight to hell. Anyway the movie starts there and then introduces a new character every 10 minutes for the rest of the movie, and there's about 4 different stories going on in this 7 room hospital, and with 15 minutes left yer like,"how the fuck is this all gonna come together?" and with 5 minutes left it does. and yer like,"oh....well,.....umm,......i guess that's cool."

-MilkmanDan

Brothers Grimm

Brothers Grimm: C-

the only thing this movie had goin' for it was terry gilliam. The fuckin "we wantz ze monee lebaowskee" guy from fargo and all that shit, was the only good acting( really good too ) and the CGI was just fuckin' god awful

-MilkmanDan

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children - B+

C.G.I. = W.O.W!

You kinda forget that your not watching real people until the fly around and sword fight while in the air and shit... but since it's all computer animation you don't feel like you're watching Key-a-new's cartoon dodging cartoon bullets or anything. The story of the movie leaves something to be desired. If you haven't played the game you won't know what the fuck is going on... and if you have you still will be a trifle confused... but the action alone is worth sitting through the Japanese subtitles... don't watch it in English. The American voice actors suck. All and all, a good background movie to watch at the action parts in between doing something else.

-Anton Voorhees

The Butcher

The Butcher C


This movie is about 5 kids on their way to Vegas to celebrate their graduation. On the way there they decide to take a short cut only to have their car die in the middle of nowhere. It is at this point that the kids decide to go look for help. They find a creepy old farm house andthen must fight for surviuval against the deranged family inside!
The plot is mind numbiningly simple and has been done thousands of times. The acting is average and the gore is subpar. However some brief nudity and the fact that the director honestly tried mad eme rate this movie a C. Only watch it if its free...


-Cook

House of the Dead 2

House of the Dead 2: UV

can't believe someone had the nerver to make this made for tv sequel
and here i sit untapped of all my potentially shitty sequels
snake island II: still fuckin Fake snakes
Ice Cream Man II: Murder on Rocky Road
Elves II: Elves in space
This Darkness: is now DARKER
What evil rides? The Bike
...

-MilkmanDan

Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo

Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo: D+

it just wasn't funny. just the same dick and fart jokes that would only appeal to 14 year olds. There was probably 3 parts that were legitamately funny, but i wouldn't recommend anyone pay money to see it.


-MilkmanDan

Crash

Crash: C+

basically the polar opposite of waiting....
great performances by terrence howard and that bitch ass don chedle pretty much the whole cast rocked
But the movie was just so god damn fake. So melodramatic it was almost predictable, just think of the most fucked up thing that could happen and boom there it is. Paul Haggis is fuckin emo. if i may quote the land of the college prophets. "This reminds me of some our lord jesus christ once said:'Irony's fucking stupid'


-MilkmanDan

waiting

waiting...:C-

movie sucked balls 'cept for the last rant by the new employee fuck, ryan renolds wishes he was jason lee...


alright maybe that was a little harsh, the movie just didn't have a fuckin plot. There was no point to it. It's not that i don't like movies that are simple, i mean shit, most horror movies don't have any real substance or portray a real message. But at least they attempt. This movie seemed almost like it was only made for waiters and waitresses to go and be like "oh my god, that one guy is totally like chad cuz he wants to fuck the young hostess, and holy shit that's just like our saucy lesbo bartender too isn't that like soooo weird? OMFG we like have that exact same strung out crazy chick too." This should really be an eye-opening insult to these people because it shows how they so easily can be portrayed by fuckin cliche characters.

-MilkmanDan

Cut

Cut: C-

Kylie Monouge being hot for 2 min, Molly Ringwold being hot still at 40 something, some other hot chicks, alright story, alright kills, not GREAT but by far not bad.

-Anton Voorhees

Thumbsucker

Thumbsucker: B-

'nuther suburban emo fest, bout a kid growing up and trying different shit to cope with his monotonous life, alchohol,... pills, weed. It's got a really cool cast with Tilda swinton, Vincent D'onferoio fuckin keanniu reaves and vince vaughn. My biggest gripe was that the director mike mills also wrote the screenplay, something he's obviously not cut out to do. The shots were awesome, but the words were fcukin lame.

-MilkmanDan

New World

New World: F

Unquestionably the worst shit I seen in a minute. Boring, historically inacurate as hell, glorifying violence, bad acting, inappropriate direction, long-ass montages of Colon Farell half naked in the woods looking sad, cliche nature photography, corny diologue. I can't say enough bad things about this waste of money/life. Found myself dozing off/praying for end credits. Would rather get kicked in the sack than watch this movie all the way through again. They might as well have thrown in a singing racoon or had Donald fuckin Duck cast as an Indian with an ipod.

-Josh C

hustle and flow

hustle and flow: A

this is one of the best ive seen in a while. its about a struggling pimp/drug dealer who starts working on his rap game. the story takes you through the human pilght, criminal activity, deperation, the human heart, the creative process, violence, disfunction, dreams, love and other emo ass shit. well acted, well shot i recommend it to everyone.

-granola attack!

The Hills Have Eyes

The Hills Have Eyes: A-

Very, very well done. Now i know why it's regarded as such a classic. It's about a family going to California but they get lost and a crazy cannabalistic family stalks them from the hills. I urge everyone who is going to see the new Hollywood remake to be sure to check this one out beforehand, and i reccommend joining my green day fan club at DVC, our meetings will be held in the quad by the posting pillar. Where i am located from 1:45-2:00 pm tuesdays and thursdays with one hand smoking a cigarette and the other down the front of my pants stroking my cock.

-MilkmanDan

Zombiez

Zombiez: F-

in it's entirety wasn't as bad as the first 10 mins. It doesn't start to have a plot until 1 hour into it. Seriously. I'm 100% not lying. The first HOUR (it seems like forever) is just a black chick running around from her mill to her house, back to the mill, into the forest(for no reason), onto a road, which leads her back to the mill. Pointless. The worse parts were the kills,....alright i think it's safe to say i've seen some horror movies in my day. But i've never seen a director have the audacity,....or rather idiocy, to try to pull off what this movie considers "kills"...... Bloody t-shirts with zombiez "acting" like they're pulling raw chicken and hamburger out of a visably non injured midsection. Zombiez hitting victims with the HANDLE of their PLASTIC meat cleavers. This movie plain fuckin sucked and i wish byran cook was dead.

-MilkmanDan

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny: B-

Soundtrack is awesome... Movie was funny... In a Jay and Silent Kevin Smith, we made this movie cuz we were bored, guest appearances by our friends, wouldn't be surprised if Teen Ape showed up in it, kind of way. For the first half of the movie Jack Black wasn't just playing the same Jack Black from every other movie... which was cool, then his character arch Micki Dee'd him back to High Fidelity. If I hadn't listened to the soundtrack (many, many times) before seeing the movie I probably would have givin it a better grade. I recommend it if you like the band. If not... go watch Tommy.

-Anton Voorhees

11:14

11:14: D-

Two different people recommended this to me after I told em I liked Memento. It was a pretty dissapointing attempt to breathe life into the noir genre. The soundtrack is hella funny. Highlights: Some guy gets his dick shot off, cemetary sex, plaid skirts, crushed skulls, Patrick Swayze overacting. Yet, it still sucked.

-Josh C

Rebound

Rebound: UV

Martin Lawrence sets the black race back a few years in this feeble Mighty Duckish movie. The exausted theme of an unorthadox coach honing an unorganized band of misfits into a winning team is defiled with recycled jokes and racial stereotypes. I would kill Lawrence if I was black. The acting is horrible and they had the audacity to cast some little shit from Kicking and Screaming as a little shit on the basketball team. Lawrence is on his way out for good, you heard it here first. He is now straigt-to-dvd-material only within the next two years.

-Josh C

Cry Wolf

Cry Wolf- C+

Stylish Whodunnit that has viewers guessin what the fuck is goin on every plot twist. It held my attention i suppose, but really it wasn't that good of a horror movie, more suspense. The twists are neat, but really fuckin predictable. and fuck, Bon Jovi's in it.

-MilkmanDan

City of the Living Dead

Fulci's City of the Living Dead: B-

I really am not a HUGE fan of Argento's or Fulci's style of directing but the movies they put out are almost always creepier than what's out there today. but as far as gore goes, they take the cake, sacrifice Tony Robbins on it, and then puke out the chunks only to feed them to naked nun zombies.
so as far as gore goes City did not dissapoint. There was a scene where a chick cries blood just before pukin her insides out,....literally, and while it was disturbing and funny at first, this goes on for a good 3 mins of uncut puking of intestines and eventually stomach and esaphagus. This supposedly turns her into a 'living dead". Once that is complete she decides that she needs something to replace her innards with, so she grabs a chunk of skull and brain from the guy she was just makin out with. HC

-MilkmanDan

Screaming Dead

Screaming Dead: UV

potent worthlessness. that's all

-MilkmanDan

skeleton man

skeleton man: B-

maybe it was just because i watched this movie the morning after screaming dead that i liked it so much. but maybe it was just a good horror flick. The skeleton man is a native american that went fuckin ballistic on too much peyote or some shit. Anyway he rides around on a horse that can create black holes in the air as to justify the classic horror "bamfing" if you will. He weilds a bow and arrow and a long sword which he decapitates many of victims with. then taking them to pile he's making in the forest. Anyway he goes against Michael Rooker casper van dien and some chicks and eventually goes against a whole army which becomes obscenely fake, in one part he takes down a helecopter with his normal bow and arrows, i mean, at least rambo had like a fuckin burning marshmellow on his arrow when he did it. Yea so, i reccomend this shit just for the end scene where the Rook challenges the Skeleton Man to a one on one fight to the end.

-MilkmanDan

Wolf Creek

Wolf Creek: F+

the story and shit sucked as it was not based on any actual events just a fucking trend of killers in oztraya. it was fucking boring and it had elements of a regular stupid horror movie, like the girl being stupid and hanging around too long when she could be bookin it.

but i loved the killer and the cinemetography was awesome.

-JBfoyoazz

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Geisha: B+

Pretty good. Acting good. Visuals good. Seemed like it was holding back at times. My favorite part of the movie is when I engaged in titilating text messages while Shang Tsung ate a snowcone. No, but really, it was good, I wanna read the book now; you should go see it and then let me know what you think within the next 48 hours or else I will kill one hostage. And one hostage every hour after that.



-Josh C